Thursday, February 9, 2012
After 10 Years Could You Start Over?
Could you throw out every pre-conceived notion you have ever had about your kids overnight? Could you wake up the morning after visiting with their doctor to begin your life as a mother again?
I have found myself in that position recently.
My oldest is going in for a gamut of tests to determine exactly what we are dealing with. For the last two years we have been dealing with him having ADHD...but now they are not so sure that's what he has - or if that's all that he has.
We've already been told my his teacher this year that 5th grade is the turning point in our schools. Kids can be passed on in lower grades if they are on the cusp of getting it but being held back by problems and maturity. But this year...it's make it or break it.
Since we have visited (IE cried, complained and listed all the symptoms that we have been dealing with the last couple of years) I saw a look on the doctor's face questioning why we always said things are better, things are good...
The honest truth?
It's embarrassing to share just how out of control, out of sorts and out of the realm of normal my son's behavior is gotten.
and
good in my eyes had become manageable. As long as we can make is through the day that is all that I had come to expect.
Now?
I know that's not enough.
So after hearing about all that it could be:
Aspegers
Oppositional Defiance Disorder
Or ADHD combined with a combination of other things.
I
well I am having to make changes. I am having to strain my patience to it's breaking point and then take a deep breath and make it stretch ever farther. I am having to stick to my guns and give up all semblance of control. Power struggles seem to flair up into arguments that spiral out of control all to quickly. So I am choosing my battles wisely and sparingly. I am not punishing for how long it takes to get homework done or the amount of work that he has to bring home. I am not excluding him from activities but pushing him to be active, social and happy. I am being more supportive about his needs and the needs that he doesn't even know about.
We are doing more family activities and even inviting friends to come along with us. We are attending birthday parties and getting involved in our community.
I am being more careful with my words towards every member of my family so that he can learn respect from the source that deserves to receive it.
We are attending church. I forgot how welcoming a church family can be. I forgot how families thrive in that atmosphere.
I am praising like no one's business the behavior that I adore and trying my hardest to ignore or reprimand the behavior that I want to get rid of.
We are building in stress relieving activities into our week like baking, thrift shopping and running. The 2 oldest boys and I are going to run a 5K in April and are joining in on practice runs 2 nights a week.
I am giving chores and allowance to build up a sense of teamwork in our house.
I am taking regular breaks once a week and giving over the reins to Hubby once he gets home from work. I am going to sleep at a decent hour and waking early to get a calming 30 minutes in peace with a cup of coffee.
I have basically given up my computer, iPhone and TV during my kids waking hours in lieu of giving them one on one attention that they have been craving in the form of fights, temper tantrums and misbehavior.
We are playing games, making jokes and shedding a few tears along the way. We are struggling, but we are making it. We have good days and we have really bad days. If I have to start over from the beginning with this motherhood thing for my kids, that's what I am going to do. They are my reason for getting up in the morning and there isn't anything that I wouldn't do for them.
Blogging has been an outlet for me. I don't want to focus solely on this issue in the future. But if you don't hear from me for a few days know that I am doing the work that needs to be done in my home to ensure that happiness is always welcome here.
Hiking photos from Sequoah State Park.
Flowers from my own backyard given to me from my oldest.
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Good morning...while reading your post, I found myself thinking , step back and take a deep breath...You are a MOM (maker of miracles), we all do our best, to later realize it's right or wrong, but, we're human, were MOMs! I know we always hear, "God won't give us any more than we can handle" It has made me want to scream, but, really it's true. Just step back and breath...then hug your kids... ; )
ReplyDeleteWith a priority first on the family, you can't go wrong. I wish you the very best in dealing with the changes you're making!
ReplyDeleteoh mama i am so sorry you are having a rough time with this. my son was misdiagnosed as ADD at 13-14 and it took 2-3 years to get it right (OCD & depression). you hafta take time for yourself or you wont be able to take care of them. maybe you'll hafta switch docs. i did. you hafta find a doc who believes in what YOU think. get a 3rd opinion. and a 4th until you find what works. I dont go to church anymore but i'm sure prayer helps.
ReplyDeleteHuge hugs! You're strong and you can do this. Take care of your family. If you ever need a chat, I'm around!
ReplyDeleteYou are doing the hard, right thing. It isn't easy. I hope you get the answers you need. As I was reading this I was thinking this is a good reminder for all us. Sometimes we all need to step back, re-evaluate and make changes.
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone. My son is 18, ADHD, Asperger. We just had {yet another} meeting with school today after {yet another} out of school suspension. Some days are better than others.
ReplyDeleteThis may sound odd but, watch his behaviors and what cycle the moon is in. a lot of times you will see that the behaviors escalate at the time of a full moon. We see it in our son & many of the professionals we have worked with say they see it too. If you know when to expect it, sometimes it's easier to head it off or at least be ready to deal with it.
I am so sorry to hear about your troubles and wish you the best in resolving them quickly. I think what you're doing is awesome! People often resist change and quickly place blame on others rather than asking what they could do to help. So bravo to you! You're efforts will surely pay off. Hang in there.
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