Thursday, June 2, 2011
Take the Time to Say Goodbye
I don't remember how old I was or who gave me the carnation to place on my Papa's casket but I do remember the guilt that I carried with me as I walked up to say goodbye to someone who was already gone. The tears were a mix of fear, empathy for my family, loss of a loved one and the deepest regret that I have to date experienced. I didn't say goodbye.
I can clearly remember my chance. I made a conscious decision to waste it. We were in the hospital that my Grandma had been living in as my Papa went from bad to worse. How bad I didn't fully grasp. It seemed to last so long - that I thought it would be never ending. I didn't see hope at the end of the tunnel. Just more of the same. More visits to the hospital and less of the ways that things used to be.
It was almost time to leave and I can still see myself standing there as I was asked...do you want to go back in and say goodbye. I did but I didn't want to go back into that room - it was scary. There were so many machines and not enough love to save his life.
No, I already did. This was said with the arrogance of youth. Of one who did not know the value of life yet. That in a heartbeat your life can change. That death is permanent.
I've carried that lie around with me since. I didn't. I didn't say goodbye. I didn't say I love you one last time. I squelched my chance to. Out of fear, out of childish, selfish fear. If I could have back that moment - I would. I would happily run in and say goodbye. I would whisper into his ear - I love you.
But I can't.
What I can do is live my life knowing the value of taking the time to say goodbye. I do it on a daily basis. I can hug and kiss my kids each day knowing the value of life - that this might be my last chance. I can do it with my husband - taking the time to show him that I know, love and appreciate him - knowing that life is not guaranteed.
To celebrate Emerson's 208th birthday, The Domino Project is republishing a work of art that's especially relevant today. Self-Reliance by Ralph Waldo Emerson urges readers to trust their intuition rather than conforming to the will of the majority. In conjunction - there will also be daily prompts from an original thinking or doer on RalphWaldoEmerson.me. You can blog, journal or create something on each of the 30 days but do share it. You can use the hashtag #trust30.
Today's prompt:
We are afraid of truth, afraid of fortune, afraid of death, and afraid of each other. Our age yields no great and perfect persons. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
You just discovered you have fifteen minutes to live.
1. Set a timer for fifteen minutes.
2. Write the story that has to be written.
(Author: Gwen Bell)
Thanks to my involvement with bzzagent I am sent free samples, coupons and information in exchange for spreading my opinion through word of mouth. I was not compensated in any way. All opinion expressed is mine and mine alone.
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Beautifully thought. Beautifully written. Beautifully felt.
ReplyDeleteYour papa knows you loved him regardless of whether you were able to go back in or not. It IS scary. I've been there with my own dad, but I was older so I handled it better. When my grandma was ill, I couldn't do it either.
ReplyDelete