Friday, March 4, 2011
How Do You Deal With Guilt?
This week the pediatrician that treats my oldest for ADHD changed his medicine. To be perfectly honest if it had been me taking him to his appointment this would have never happened. From the very beginning I was totally against daily prescriptions. But in fear of making my child's school life miserable because he was getting into trouble all the time for behavior issues I relented against my fear of drugs and we gave it a try. But I was quite clear with the doctor...choose wisely. I don't want my kid to have to try a whole bunch of meds = suffering while we try to get it just right. I don't know why I had this attitude. I just knew that I didn't want to cause harm...but I also knew that I didn't want to be the harm. If there was something that could make my child's life easier I didn't want to stand in the way of it.
While it wasn't an over night change...he did seem better able to handle daily tasks and pay attention somewhat in class. There was a significant difference in his attitude and attention span. But the more that he took it (we're talking months here) the less effective it seemed to be. He started getting detention for not completing assignments, time out from recess for not doing homework and into trouble at home because he was either bratty or just plain defiant. The last few months have been rough...there is no getting around it. While completely capable of the work, he had all but given up on putting any effort into homework or school work in general. His social skills were in the tank and I was beginning to worry about what we were in for during his teenage years. They are hard enough without the added pressure of doing poorly in school or not having what it takes to make and keep friends. There was an increase in the amount of fits, out bursts and general outrage that he had been expressing.
Every 3 months he has an appointment to evaluate how he is doing, weight gain or loss, listen to his heart and to have a good chat with us about how he doing in school, at home and basic mental state. At the last appointment it was determined that what we were doing wasn't working anymore...so they changed his meds.
I was very fearful of the outcome here. I didn't want to begin this journey of jumping from pill to pill with my 10 year old. I didn't want to ever see him zombified or any of the other horrible side affects because they chose a medicine that he couldn't handle. Truth be know I want to flip a big middle finger to the fact that I even have to think that. But it is what it is. He does at this time need something to help him do the things in life that other kids seem to have no problem doing.
So they changed his medicine. This time there was an overnight change. It was like night and day. This kid from the time of birth has been the sweetest thing. I'm not talking about just doing sweet things like bringing me a handful of weedish flowers in his chubby hands...I'm talking about having real true empathy for others. Looking out for the well being of those around him and doing what he could to make it easier for them. That kid is back. With him is another kid that I have never met tho. The kid that comes in from school and gets his homework out without much prompting. The kid that asks for help when he doesn't understand a problem. The kid who can play soccer for 2 hours at practice last night without having to be told to pay attention. The kid who sits at the dinner table and eats without having to get up 20 times because he can't stand to be in one place for more than a minute. The kid that sat this morning beaming when I told him how proud I was of him this week for doing all the things that he has never been able to do.
With this new kid and my old kid - a deep sense of regret and guilt has come to settle in my heart. For all the times that I got angry with him, scolded him or chided him for the things that I now know he wasn't capable of doing without the "right" medicine. It's overwhelming to think that he might look back at this time in his life and remember all those times. Mother's guilt is the worst because I keep thinking - you should have known what he needed. You should have been what he needed. But Mother's guilt is good too. Because of it...I will never make that mistake again.
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I understand your guilt because I'm going through the same thing, only my experience with doctors being involved is just beginning. My son is 4 and since he is my fifth child, I knew from birth that something was different about this one. Inside he is the sweetest child in the world but that doesn't always show on the outside. He is being worked up right now for ADHD (since he can't sit still for 2 mins) and also Asperger's syndrome. I have tried to deal with this on my own but I realize that I need help. He is going to suffer in school, I just know it. And not just his grades and with his teachers, but with the other students too because we all know how cruel children can be to somebody who is a little bit different. To people who don't know what ADHD and Asperger's is about, his outbursts can appear extremely violent and ugly, but they don't realize that he cannot control this. And yes, every night when he is laying there sleeping and looking so innocent and beautiful, I replay every time I raised my voice or got angry with him and I want to cry. I am the only one who can deal with him so I am with him 24/7, and even though I know how to have the internal dialogue that it is not his fault and I go through all the ways I have learned to calm him down, there are times that I raise my voice (although thankfully they are not very often since I have read up on his problems and learned new ways to deal with him). It doesn't matter though. I still feel guilty for what I feel on the inside, even though it may not come out. The frustration, the sense of "why him, why does his life have to be so hard," the anger at something that I have no control over. So yes, I also feel guilt, and you asked how other deal with it. I hide it, and examine it when I feel strong enough, and do my best to deal with it positively by doing as you do. I tell myself that I will learn from this and I will know not to repeat it. But you are not alone, at least. I don't know if that makes you feel any better, but it is what it is. Stay strong.
ReplyDeleteOut of my 3 kids, 2 of them both started on meds for ADHD at the age of 4. Behaviors were being displayed differently in each of them. My daughter couldn't stay still or quiet to save her life. My son who at times was the sweetest thing ever would have nasty outbursts of anger and destruction. They are now 18 & 17. Daughter had been through many meds, 2 trips to a mental hospital and diagnosis of ADHD, depression & bi-polar disorder. She walked out of our house a few days after she turned 18, stopped taking meds and has since been homeless and been in front of a judge twice (so far). My son is still here on meds. He has diagnosis of ADHD & mild aspergers syndrome. He is very smart and can work above grade level. He is also, most day, more like a 7 or 12 year old to deal with.
ReplyDeleteWe have been through more med changes than I can remember but, they were necessary. Some combination that worked great, stopped and we would need to adjust. They grow, they change, changes must be met.
I know as a parent I have done everything I could to make their quality of life better. My daughter is an "adult" now so she has to make her own choices and deal with her consequences. Is this easy forbus to deal with? Not really but, it's out of our control. (I won't get into how the mental health system fails us here) As for my son, we continue to work with his school and Dr to help him succeed.
You should not feel guilty for any of this with your son. You are doing everything that in your heart you feel is the best choice at any given time. Children don't come with an owners manual that tells you how to "fix the error codes" when problems come up. Your heart is your manual and it will guide you. Remember, as well as this medication is working now, a day may come when it doesn't and another choice may need to be considered. It's not fun but you will all get through it together.
(sorry so long!! This is a huge topic for me.)
Wow - I have never had to walk down that road but I am so proud of you for sharing your story... more people need to hear these stories! You are doing an awesome job with a stressful situation - I am so happy for you that you found better medecine for your son!
ReplyDeleteOn a positive note, they do remember. but, what they remember is that you didn't give up on them. My son is now 27 and has been thanking me for years for not giving up. It makes them stronger, more loving and more accepting of others' faults as adults.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good work.
I am also proud of you for sharing. I have not had to deal with this with my own son, but I feel guilt for other things. Every Mother has a box of guilt hidden inside for one reason or another. The fact that you shared your story and other people can learn from it is amazing. You never know who will run across this post at just the moment they need it the most. Don't be too hard on yourself. You are just being the best Mom you can be. The fact that you would deal with your child rather than dope him up is proof! Good luck with his med. future.
ReplyDeleteIs there a mom alive who doesn't have mom guilt? We're human, we'll make mistakes all our lives. All we can do is the best we know how. My oldest son is 11 and started taking ADD meds a couple months ago. His biggest issue was getting homework done AND turned in. So many missing assignments. He seems to be doing better in school. Depending on how this works I many have to ask you what your son is taking. I know meds work differently for each child, but I'm willing to try anything to help my son be successful in school and life.
ReplyDelete~Mimi
Brave post. Proud of you for sharing. And that middle finger? Well, sometimes it does a body (and psyche) good. Use it as a stress reliever! Nothing wrong with that, when used wisely!
ReplyDeleteThe mom guilt will punch you in the gut and leave a bruise so deep that it's hard to heal sometimes. I have never had to walk in your shoes and I can't imagine having to make decisions like that for my own son.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this as it will help so many other parents who are on this journey too.
As parents, we can only do the best we can do. I'm so glad it sounds like he's doing so much better.
ReplyDeleteSo far I'm just remembering that I'm only human, and I'm doing the best I can with what I have. :D
ReplyDelete