Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Closing the Book
Dear Hubby,
This is just a little letter to say Thank You. I know that I have not been myself since last week.
When I got the call I was transported back a few years and am having a terrible time letting go of something that I know will not change. I am having a hard time letting go of my could haves and should haves and moving on to the place where it is what it is. I am thankful that you were here to make sure that the laundry has stayed caught up, the dishes were washed, your children were bathed and the beds made.
I wish that I were the kind that could just let things go or bounce off of me - but I am not - never have been. I wallow and contemplate. I analyze and worry.
I felt like for the last few days that I have been carrying the weight of the world and it's secrets with me every step of my day.
I think what I need is some closure...I worry that if I don't get it that this wasteland of my mind will continue to take over more and more of our lives.
I hate that I can't be the wife or Mother that I know inside I was meant to be right now. I hate that we are eating out way to often. I know that it must be confusing that I am letting my kids eat way to much candy and stay up too late.
But they are alive. They are well - and well cared for.
They are mine and I want them to have all the things that I never had.
I want them to know that I love them right now even if I am unable to be in the moment.
I want you to know that I am taking steps to ensure that I get back to myself and my ways.
Getting groceries yesterday was like walking through mud but I know that routine is the best way to break the spell.
I made supper even though I really felt like just going to bed.
I sat down and ate with everyone as a family because I know that when I am feeling this down - that immersing myself with family is so very important.
I want that piece of my mind that was shattered a bit by one phone call to catch up with the half of my mind that knows it's time to move on.
It's time to close the book and find something lighter to read.
Your grateful wife.
This post is a little darker than my usual but I want to assure you that I am in a better place for having written it out. This blog has become a like therapy and you my readers have become like little therapists. If you are suffering from depression (even if it's just a little like me) I found this site helpful.
I know that we all wish that life was all sunshine and candy - but there's a lot of rain out there too.
photo credit
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Hugs. I'm here if you need to chat.
ReplyDelete♥ HUGS ♥
ReplyDeleteBig Hugs - some things are just hard! Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteLet me know if you need help with the baby shower event....I can try to fit one of yours in if needed.
I can really relate to this. Having trouble letting go of something too.
ReplyDeleteI hope everything's okay - and I'm here if you need me mama :)
Thanks for the link. My husband and I have been separated for the past 6 months and it is heading towards divorce. I have been trying to keep myself upbeat and positive for my son, that link gave me some great tips on how to do this. If you need to talk just shoot me an email (my address is in my profile)
ReplyDeletehugs to you. been there.
ReplyDeleteHusbands are the bomb, when my mom died last year after an extended illness the Big Tuna kept the home fires burning. Some nights I would come home, eat a bowl of cereal, crying and fall into bed and do it all again the next day.
ReplyDeleteThinking good thoughts for you.
Bravo to you for attacking the issue head on with this post. Writting helps a lot of people thru tough times. I'm glad it was able to help you as well. Stay strong!
ReplyDeleteA shoulder to lean on, an ear to bend, arms left open for when you need that big hug. I hope that this helped you make that turn in the road. Letting it all out can help. Sometimes the littlest thing can set us back. Sounds like you have a very understanding and caring hubs though.
ReplyDeleteI am a worrier, too. Things never roll off my back. I think it's great the way you're trying to keep going and how you recognize how much your husband is helping. Hope things are better this week.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you could use a hug. *hug*
ReplyDeleteOh sweetheart.....glad that you feel better for writing it down. I hope that you are doing ok xx
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you've had a tough week. That's what your husband is there for. It works both ways and I'm sure he knows that. We all have our ups and downs. You will get through this and so will your family. I have faith that you won't sit here and wallow for years on end. They can handle us being out of it for a period of time.
ReplyDeleteI find posting very cathartic! Helps to vocalize what is inside. Thoughts and prayers going out to you!
{{HUGS}} ~Mimi
You're in my thoughts! There is a lot of rain...but we can help be the sunshine you need. Thank you for writing this post. So many people will benefit from it.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you, sweetie! Glad you share all sides of yourself with us.
ReplyDeleteSorry things are rough for you right now...best wishes being sent your way :)
ReplyDeletethanks for making me cry so early in the morning!
ReplyDeleteI hope today is a better day and you can smile and enjoy those cute kiddos of yours. I have learned to KEEP SUPER busy and the last few weeks have flown past without a tear, which is a record for me lately.
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*Hug